Lapyslazuly
               

        Pages

          Blog

          me

          adages

          Gastebuch

          Archiv

          Kontakt

          pictures

          KA
2020 ...

... was the worst horrifying movie ever.

 

2019 was the year, I thought I had the worst emotional pains of my life.

I beat my hands bloody on my punching bag … I tried to exhaust myself physically with exercises I was not able to do before… I tried to scratch on the rough wall … took cold showers, where I usually would pass out from… and I don’t even could believe that the water couldn’t get colder…

… I couldn't sit for 2 seconds without feeling like I had to run and never stop again and felt at the same time as if I was not sleeping for months…

…there was a week I was screaming for hours… without care about my environment… and afterwards I returned to destroy my hands…

and I found no way to reduce… or even reach the psychic pains in me…

I remember the moment when the first memories came back and how it was almost a short release from the pains… like a break… as if they were tense too for a riddle… but my body felt like I was fighting for my life…  for months…

 

The perceptions and insights I made 2020 were harder…

 

But included there was an explanation for so many things… I am looking for since I am 3 years old!

…and 7 experts could not help me so far. Even if 1 was very close to it…

But the price were experiences that I don’t even wish on people without whom the world would be better off in my opinion.

 

As somebody with a lifelong partial dissociation condition, that causes to be  separated from my negative feelings If around of any persons…

This year I was visible to an entire conference community in my work mode… and It was the first time I had not to be careful but more to fight against to cry.

It was the first time I was crying on a telephone… while somebody just talks to me about normal stuff… he does not know and can probably not even understand how much I miss him… and I felt the weird thing that at the same time I wished he would register… and that I was lucky that he didn’t.

And finally…

2020 I got the first time in my life… I was crying in front of 3-6 people I even never met before, in an fucking online meeting… where they could not see me (I hope…!).

But I had completely no control over my feelings for around 15 mins… and I realized at the same time how absurd it was that they’re just talking further about their stuff… as if I am a natural part of… while I felt caught in a completely different world…

 

one day in April 2020… was the first time I almost fainted from emotional pains… in front of others I don’t even like and I even supposed they brought me in that situation deliberately to induce pains in me … and this 2 times at the same day.

 

It was the year with 3 of my 5 hardest personal goodbyes in my whole life so far…  

which blew away the colorful happiness of the spring and turned it into a weird, time frozen dreamlike and greyish silence… that was even supported additionally by the surrealistic Science-Fiction movie scenery caused by the CORONA-preventions.

 

5 Further secret goodbyes I made… were especially one made me feel deaf for months… and kills something in me that was a crucial part of my identity, which I am still trying to find today.

 

It was the year I learned the very hard way… that there exist people, who are actually able of thinking in a way that is unimaginable for me and in many aspects just so completely sick for my mindset…

that I am paralyzed in fear just by realization that  THIS – EXISTS – IN - REALITY…

… and it completely changed my picture of all the evils from the childhood movies…

It was the year I hardly remembered the sentence of one of my former colleagues “Man muss niemals Angst vor Menschen haben… - ausser vor Wahnsinnigen”

And the term "madness" took on a whole new meaning for me this year.

I even was forced to improve his sentence:

Dangerous are not people which are bad because they…e.g. steal from you, damage you or lie to you…

Dangerous are people which cannot decide between good and bad.

… and which cannot be decided between god and bad by others…

 

I made a probably new expression... “dissociated empathy”… and I am still thinking about to write an article…

 

I learned that empathy and sensitivity do not necessarily have to be present together in people…

…and that it is possible that your personality can seem so nice, that it is a undoubtedly valid reason for others to bully you.

 

I have also to remark… that two forgotten stars of my life lit up again…. I found 2 old friends back… i was blissed out and could hardly believe it...

 

but furthermore, this year I learned from examples of 4 Couples:

That love is just relative… how highly relative it is… and how unable we humans are, to make adequate borders… at adequate times…

That this is not only the problem of an attachment disordered person like me…

I was shocked about the consequences they had…

how unavoidable it can be to hurt or even damage others… the whole relationship

no matter how much you think and talk…

no matter how much you love them…

All four were couples that I still can't believe today they have broken up.

I think that all of us too often unsee things that we should see... because we cannot deal inside with contradictions and conflicts … e.g. between morality and feelings…

most probably we are not made for dealing with that… at least I cannot find any valid solution…

 

I had a short but effective last contact… with 3 people that meant once the world for me… and don’t know ^^ <3

 

I learned slowly to accept that security does not exist…

Because for the most people bodings do not exist… but they’re just used to fake them (for a while) … or they have a completely other understanding of bonding relations then me…

 

I get to know what it means to have a real panic attack… just by seeing an email… that was able to knock me mentally out for days before I opened it… and for days after I did again… and gives me nearly a heart attack by sending the answer…

And some weeks later I had to realize, that I have a real problem as it happened for every mail of this group of people- even if these were not even adressed personally to me.

 

This year there were so many letters I desperately wrote to people but never sent.... sometimes I asked them for help.... sometimes I scolded them... sometimes I asked them questions... mostly I tried to explain myself to them....  to justify myself

So many thigs I want to tell people but at the same time know that they not and never will care…

 

I definitely don’t order all of stuff that happened… and If I WOULD assume that it would have been intentional… then I would have to make it clear that the learning effect does not outweigh the damage to my health…

But in return I have to admit, that I also got some unsolicited beautiful moments, that I will never forget <3

especially i realized that i have a best friend, who is able to heal my soul - even almost alone. And also if it scares me a little...  I feel a security that seems to gradually give me my strength back. And i can not imagine how this would work without her.

 

I am curious about 2021.

 

I start from the beginning. And nearly from 0.

I still have to forget how much I miss some things and people...

And at the same time, I have to stay optimistic to find a new way.

 

Some days ago… I already had high probably a breakthrough in my second largest life riddle…

And I forgot, that everything seems so much easier if you have less to lose anymore…

 

I am curious.

4.2.21 21:57
 
Letzte Einträge: habe Jahre gebraucht es ganz zu verstehen... , maybe i dream my life..., dandelion...


Werbung


bisher 0 Kommentar(e)     TrackBack-URL

Name:
Email:
Website:
E-Mail bei weiteren Kommentaren
Informationen speichern (Cookie)


Die Datenschuterklärung und die AGB habe ich gelesen, verstanden und akzeptiere sie. (Pflicht Angabe)

 Smileys einfügen



























Gratis bloggen bei
myblog.de